We just celebrated 21 years of marriage

John and I got married 21 years ago today. I can confidently say I love him more today than I did back then.

One of the reasons I love him more is that I love me more – and that’s in part because he’s helped me grow into a happier, healthier, more loving and generous person.

Here are five ways John has supported my evolution:

1. What’s the worst that can happen? When we started dating, I was an anxious person, worried about failure, poverty and rejection. John would see me tense up out of fear and gently ask, “What’s the worst that can happen?” I realized that I often wasn’t even sure what I was afraid of. That practice helped me release some of my fear.
2. Supporting my dreams. When I aspire to something new, John’s default is to help me figure out how to make it happen. I proposed the idea of getting my MBA in the University of Michigan’s evening program while working full time, and he cheered me on. He uprooted himself so I could live out my fantasy of living in New York City,
3. Making it safe to fail. About once a semester during business school, I would melt down, sobbing that I couldn’t do it. John would gently tell me I could quit if it was too much. Feeling that he wouldn’t see me as a failure if I quit was part of what helped me keep at it. I had a choice, so I chose the hard path. Taking risks feels easier when it’s OK to fail.
4. Giving me room to change. John supports me experimenting with new ideas of who I am, what’s important to me, what I want to do with myself. He’s not attached to one rigid idea of how our life looks, or freaked out if I develop a new hobby, passion or belief. He shows enthusiasm for these pursuits, whether they’re short lived or ongoing.
5. Encouraging me to be my best self. John is effusive in his praise, noting what he loves about me and acknowledging when he sees me doing something kind, generous or impressive. He calls me on it when I’m not my best self, and though I cop to tending toward defensiveness, I know he has my best interests at heart.

Would you like a partner who can support you as you pursue your path?

Sorry, John’s taken.

If you don’t have a spouse as excellent as he is, maybe you need a committed ally you can talk to regularly, who will help you feel your dreams are possible.

If you already have a loving, committed mate, it can still be helpful to have someone with a bit of distance playing that supportive role. I don’t have a vested interest in the outcome so I can see you a bit more objectively.

As your coach, I vow to support you for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.

We can have an exploratory call before you decide if you want to get hitched.