John and I have been married more than 10 years and I remain sort of wishy-washy on the maiden name vs. married name debate.
I never legally changed my name — my driver’s license and passport still say Colleen Newvine — so technically I decided. I go by Colleen Newvine at work.
But on my blog and when I get freelance bylines, I’m Colleen Newvine Tebeau. I refer to this as the Hillary Rodham Clinton solution.
Occasionally when we’re socializing, I simply introduce myself as Colleen Tebeau, especially if I’m out with John or with people who know him. It’s easy shorthand for “I’m his wife.”
This New York Times piece suggests I was right to have reservations about dumping my maiden name. They reported on a study asking students about perceptions of women based on whether they changed their names:
Participants thought that a hypothetical woman who took her husband’s surname was “more caring, more dependent, less intelligent, more emotional, less competent, and less ambitious in comparison with a woman who kept her own name.”
By contrast, the same woman who kept her maiden name “was judged as less caring, more independent, more ambitious, more intelligent, and more competent, which was similar to an unmarried woman living [with her partner] or a man.”
I’m irritated by the notion that being caring and intelligent are at odds with one another — that I can’t be both competent and emotional.
But I guess that wasn’t the point of the study. It was to highlight how society sees us based on our name change decision.
I kept my name because:
- I was nearly 30 when I got married and I didn’t want to sever ties with anyone who knew me when I was single
- I was a writer with my maiden name on my bylines for all my past work
- As a journalist, good contacts define your ability to do your job. I didn’t want my sources confused about who I was when I called
- I was lazy. I’d seen a coworker fighting with Northwest Airlines to change her name on her frequent flier account so she could connect her previously accumulated miles with those she was racking up as a married woman and it looked exhausting.
This was before Facebook so I couldn’t just throw my maiden name in parentheses on my profile to ensure anyone looking for the old me could find me. I didn’t even own a computer with an Internet connection at the time so my decision was based on the old school ways you connected — by phone, in print, with phone books.
Will our perceptions change now that it’s easier to blur those lines, with a connection to your maiden name in your Facebook profile or on your website?
Or is it more about the statement women make about whether their identity changes because of marriage?
13 Comments
Amy Spooner
I changed my name when I got married, but as a Phi Beta Kappa graduate of the University of Michigan, I take issue with the perceived lack of intelligence associated with that decision.
Unfortunately, the Hillary solution (which would’ve been my preference as well) didn’t work for me, as my initials would’ve been ASS. Bad news if monogrammed sweaters ever come back in style.
I did it not to surrender my identity, but to establish our new family. I was thinking ahead to when we’d have children, and I wanted all of us to have the same last name. And I haven’t regretted it, although occasionally I still lapse and sign my maiden name to something, which would no doubt prompt psychoanalysis by some.
Marnie Reid
I too was 25 when I got married and it was going to be a big change to be married much less have a new name, too. Many people called me a feminist for keeping my name and I thought it was funny that keeping my father’s father’s father’s name was feminist! Plus, my husband’s name rhymes with mine.
I also maintain my own checking and savings account—we divide up the bills and both write a check to mortgage each month. What does this say about me?
Marnie
Ralph Gage
Interesting research.
One of our pastors (a young man) explained in his sermon Sunday that he faced a decision upon getting married: His bride did not want to give up her maiden name. He did not want a hyphenated or multiple name because, he said, he had worked with too many families who had children with various names, and that the circumstances he observed caused both confusion and distress. (I believe I have summarized his concern fairly.)
He decided to take his wife’s surname.
The point of his sermon was to seek solutions, take risks, and to care about results rather than what people might think. He was challenging our congregation to get off its satisfied collective butt and to be able to look back at real accomplishments from the perspective of January, 2012.
The sermon, while pointed, was delivered good-naturedly.
Lisa Gauchey
Amy just cracked me up with her comment about her initials and monogrammed sweaters, which is much appreciated on the shocking first day back to the grind after a long holiday break. Thanks for that!
Taking my (now ex-) husband’s name felt like fading into his identity such that I would end up as little more than a branch on the tree of Matt (i.e. “Mrs. Matthew Such-and-such” with no Lisa and/or Gauchey to be found), but I didn’t want a hyphenated name either. Ultimately, my maiden name became my middle name as a sort of hybrid solution, and then I would include it or not based upon the situation.
Changing it back after my divorce added so much to an already painful and sad transition, and to this day (almost 7 years and two moves later), I still get mail addressed to the old me now and then. I’ve sworn that I’ll never change it again. Whether or not I stick to that remains to be seen, I suppose.
Suzi Peterson Steward
I was previously married and kept my maiden name. I had two children and, though their middle name is my maiden name, their last name is my ex-husband’s. Now very happily remarried, I decided to compromise and add my husband’s last name: it meant a lot to him for a variety of reasons; it’s easier when taking care of joint business or in the Steward social circle; our family of 4 would have 3 last names associated with us which was just too much to handle for us or anyone else–the kids’ last name, mine, and my husbands!
My maiden name means a lot to me, because I’ve, well, had it for so long, and my parents have both passed away and I feel sentimental towards having the name with me at all times. And in my professional life, people only know me as Suzi Peterson. So I’m one name at work and then add a name to it at home. Sounds complicated, I’m sure, but it works for me!
I did run in to a funny situation with my name recently. My husband and I attended a fundraiser dinner for an organization here. It so happens that I did some business with them with my non-profit–almost exclusively via phone and email, so they know me by my maiden name. I was wearing a name tag with my married name. I had to introduce myself and explain the situation for them to understand that I was that same person.
Barbara
Interesting post and comments! I too would take exception to the perceived correlations made between changing or not changing your name and personality and intelligence attributes.
I didn’t change my name when we got married, um, 25ish years ago because I didn’t really (and don’t still) believe in that tradition. Totally fine by me if others want to do it, I just didn’t see the need or the point (besides convenience, but for that purpose, why is it always the woman expected to change her name? I liked the story of the guy changing his name and I’ve heard of that, but sadly, it’s not the norm or even an equitable percentage).
Sure, it’s a little ironic (as noted) that feminists commend keeping one’s father’s name, but short of inventing a new last name altogether (we did consider that), at least I’m keeping the name I’ve had all my life and which I consider to be *mine*!
Mary Jean
I didn’t take my husband’s last name when we got married. I really didn’t even think about it. I always knew I wouldn’t change my name, and fortunately he was totally fine with that. My tired old joke is that, though it would have been a testament to our Catholic and Jewish upbringings, “Mary Jean Rosenfeld” wasn’t going to fool anyone. (Though I submit: Lou Babic. Isn’t that an awesome name?)
Our kids’ last name is Rosenfeld. They know that my last name is different from theirs, and they’ve never had a problem with it. (I should say our daughter knows; our son’s not really old enough yet to get it.) Some people have asked me if it feels strange not to have the same last name as my children, but it just doesn’t.
It does occur to me, though, that I was “feminist” enough to keep my name but “traditional” enough to give the kids their dad’s name, not mine (not even as a middle name). That probably means something, but I don’t know what. Maybe that there are all kinds of ways to go about this?
I used to work with a woman who kept the last name of the guy she was briefly married to about twenty years earlier, for the simple reason that she liked it better than her maiden name. Lou’s brother and his wife have one kid with his last name, one kid with her last name. Our friend Jeff hyphenated his last name to his wife’s when he got married. It all works!
Mary Jean
Oh, and two more things. Ditto to others who are irritated by the perceived “caring” vs. “intelligence” levels of women who do or don’t change their names. Kind of sad that such perceptions still exist; it’s not like this is a brand new thing.
Which reminds of a funny episode. When I was pregnant, in Ann Arbor, I went to the hospital billing office to straighten out some payment issue. I presented my insurance card to the young man working behind the window. The policy was in Lou’s name because he bought it through his business. The guy looks at the card, looks at his computer screen, frowns, looks back at the card, then asks me, “Do you know someone named Lou Rosenfeld?” “Not only do I know him,” I said, “he’s the reason I’m in this condition in the first place!”
Barbara
Mary Jean, that’s hilarious! I gotta admit, I also enjoyed the transposing of your last names, too. Lou Babic sounds like a famous baseball player to me. And Mary Jean Rosenfeld? Priceless 🙂
Shannon Asencio
As with most things in life, this situation is hardly that simple and generalizations should be avoided (my ire is directed at the Times, not you). My “maiden name” is the name my father took as a teenager when he was adopted by a family of that name, so it’s not like it has some sort of longstanding meaning within my lineage. Further, I haven’t had a relationship with my father since I was 14 and often went by my mother’s “maiden name” when I was a teenager. So, it made far more sense to use the name of my husband, someone with whom I spend ca. 15 hours a day, over someone I haven’t seen in nearly 20 years. Of course there have been complications as I was published under my “maiden name”, etc., but it seemed like the suitable choice given my PARTICULAR situation.
Colleen Newvine Tebeau
Thanks, all, for one of the most spirited discussions ever on Newvine Growing!
I love all the different observations on your own experiences. I think that’s one of the most interesting changes in our time, the notion that women aren’t obliged to do just one thing, but they can decide what feels true to them.
Amy, I will admit that my wishy washy-ness has made monograms a stumbling block. Not only do I not know what to do about getting something like monogrammed towels — N? T? both? — but my initials in my Hillary Rodham Clinton solution would be CNT. That’s even more vulgar than yours.
Many kudos to you, Ralph, for being the only guy to weigh in on this topic. I suppose it makes sense that the ladies feel strongly, since its our names we’re talking about, but still noteworthy that all this good conversation is pretty lopsided genderwise.
Ralph Gage
I noticed! Just as another aside (and FYI to all, I definitely am an older person) my wife did not keep her maiden name. Probably never considered it. But our daughter kept hers, for many of the same reasons Colleen outlined. Both would be appalled at the study’s conclusions.
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