Getting clear on what you need
can help you teach your loved ones what to do for you

And you thought the Bernie memes were done …

What is your ideal Valentine?

If you watch Valentine’s Day ads, you would assume every woman is pining for roses, diamonds and a car. If they are moms in pandemic, they might actually just want five minutes of silence or a good night’s sleep.

Love is so much more than saying “I love you.” It’s how you demonstrate it. And each of us resonates with different ways of feeling loved.

My husband, John, and I often refer to “Five Love Languages,” by Gary Chapman. Chapman suggests we can demonstrate love through:

• Words of affirmation.
• Acts of service.
• Receiving gifts.
• Quality time.
• Physical touch.

It’s important to understand what you need most, because the kind of love you crave or feel most strongly might not be the way your mate or family members are inclined to demonstrate love.

We know a couple who split in part because of differences in their love languages. The husband was inclined to providing acts of service, and assumed his wife saw them as demonstrations of his love. She craved words of affirmation, but he didn’t know that. When he felt the distance between them, he worked harder on acts of service and got frustrated because it didn’t help. I often wonder what would have happened if he’d known she needed to hear “I love you” more.

Love follows the platinum rule. If the golden rule is to do unto others as you would have them do unto you, the platinum rule says you should do unto others as they want you to do unto them.

Or maybe the double platinum rule: “Treat others the way they don’t even know they want to be treated.”

Do you know what you need? Do you ask for it?

There’s an idea I’ve heard all my life, that men are at their sexual peak in their teens but women reach our sexual peak in midlife. Some of that could be outdated nonsense, but one element of truth in there is that by our 30s and 40s, women are more likely to know what we enjoy and have the confidence to ask for it.

That’s not just important in the bedroom. Knowing our needs means we can tell the people who love us what would make us happy.

Take a free Five Love Languages quiz to clarify your needs and get results you can forward to anyone who might need guidance on how to love you.

If you do this quiz with your partner, it’s not un-romantic to use their request to get exactly what they asked for.

A New York Times article about psychological research on gift giving says:

give people what they ask for. Gift givers think that unexpectedness adds value because it shows thoughtfulness… But recipients actually think it’s more thoughtful to give a gift that they requested. They see it as showing that the giver attended to and honored their wishes. If someone wants to be surprised, she can always tell you.

John and I talk frequently about what we want and what we love. He knows he can make me happy by bringing me coffee in bed, I know he loves pizza and having his feet rubbed. (Not at the same time. Who wants pizza grease on their toes?) Neither of us has to guess what treat would make the other smile.

I hope this Valentine’s Day, you give and receive love in the right ways!
(even if that means agreeing to roll your eyes at Valentine’s Day)